Despair
by Kamarine
Summary: Songfic - Squinoa. SPOILERS to ending. Just a recap of what was and what is now in Squall's mind.


**Foreword; **The song is Linkin Park – Leave out all the rest. Squaresoft characters belong to Squaresoft/SquareEnix.

Looking around all he could see was grey. The sky was grey, the cracked earth he walked upon was grey. Even the boots he knew were black were grey. There was no colour and it made him despair. Squall Leonhart's heart constricted as he stared desperately into the grey wasteland. He was alone in this foreign land, this horrible decrepit and empty land.

It was a bubble in time and space, he'd created it after the defeat of Ultimecia. Foolishly he'd forgotten Rinoa's words and the advice by Laguna. He'd despaired and created the empty wasteland he existed in now.

Forcing himself to walk he fought the despair as he convinced himself that he could make it. Just think of her and their place.

He tried to conjure up an image of her with her blue woollen clothing, her rosy skin, but everything was grey. He couldn't even picture her raven hair. Shaking his head, he renewed his efforts.

"Rinoa!" He cried out as he tried to remember her colours.

Squall walked. He walked and walked and walked. He walked til he began to stumble partially over his own feet and partially from exhaustion. He'd been fighting for so long and now he was walking. He didn't know how long he'd been walking, he'd been trying to remember the colour that embraced the wings adorning his loves back.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

The sound of his heavying footfalls on the cracked earth invaded his tiring mind. He should just give up, it was all too much and he couldn't remember. Her colours were gone.

And then it ended. The broken terrain dropped off into roiling grey clouds. Squall despaired and turned around only to find he was surrounded on a little floating isle by the horrible mass of grey.

He had nowhere to go.

Hanging his head he let himself fall as hope fled him. I'm going to sit here and die in this bleak environment.

Turning his empty gaze skyward he froze. Colour! A speck of the most brilliant white he'd ever seen.

Gently as if blown by a breeze the speck drifted back and forth as it headed groundward. The closer it came the more Squall stared at it in wonderment. It was a beautiful feather of the most purest white.

Holding out his hand before him Squall let it fall into his gloved hand.

White! He gasped as his eyes widened. The colour of the angel wings on her back. They were adorned on the blue wool of her clothing. Her colours flooded his mind and the tiniest feeling of hope swelled deep in his heart.

Suddenly he saw her. She was facing her back to him but her distress was evident. Stricken as he remembered the feeling of despair he called out to her. She didn't respond. She didn't even flinch.

Calling again, louder, he vied desperately for her acknowledgement. Despairing again, he screamed himself almost hoarse before she began to turn.

Hope, the nasty creature, fluttered in his heart.

Slowly she turned to face him, but before she was facing him completely she vanished out of existence.

"Rinoa!"

The memory of her at the dance flashed in his mind and he saw her in the beautiful ivory dress. She pointed at a star and vanished. He could see all the dancers and the shooting star, but Rinoa was gone. Suddenly he saw everyone, all his comrades and then it was her again. She was smiling and looking over the balcony of the moving Garden. Her hair waved with the wind and she smiled and vanished. The scene continued, but she wasn't there.

Frantically he searched all his memories but they were all devoid of her. He remembered their dance and played through the steps, but he had no partner. He remembered her leaning over the side of Edea's float after he'd been impaled, but she was not to be seen. There was an empty space where there was meant to be her body.

Ultimecia's face flashed briefly and he cursed her for this, but before he could damn her further he saw Rinoa's face. A horrible, terrifying memory of her near death in space, but he could see her face! The soft curves of her cheeks and the beautiful full mouth, her soulful brown eyes; her beauty. Before he could cherish it the glass of her helmet shattered into space.

Rinoa dead.

Tears poured down his face as the last memory with her face became even more terrifying. It became the worst thing, the one thing he would never want to remember but the only thing he could remember.

Squall sat up as tears poured down his face. He'd had the dream a couple of times now since the time compression. The fear and despair still raw in his mind. He looked over at the angel in his bed and touched her shoulder, reassuring himself she was real.

His biggest fear was her forgetting him. After all her remembrance had saved him.

_I dreamed I was missing _

_You were so scared _

_But no one would listen _

_Cause no one else cared _

_After my dreaming_

_I woke with this fear _

_What am I leaving _

_When I'm done here _

_So if you're asking me I want you to know_

Rinoa had her own memories of despair.

She'd ran and ran through the meadow. Trampling the flowers in her desperation to find Squall. She ran back and forth through this colourful nightmare.

He'd promised! She despaired. He'd promised we'd meet here if we ever got separated!

Stopping suddenly, she took a deep calming breath and lifted her chin.

"He's lost!" She reasoned suddenly. "He was always so uncertain. I will find him."

Her world warped and became a mass of grey clouds. The ground under her feet was cracked and grey.

"Oh Squall." She whispered, horrified he was stuck in such a miserable place.

She knew he was here, she could feel him.

Sucking in another deep breath she began to walk. Rinoa was unaffected by the grey and her vibrant colours shone like a beacon.

She didn't know how long she walked before she saw him. When she found him, she calmly walked towards him. Her calm manner not betraying the chaos within.

Kneeling gently next to him she cradled his head and shoulders in her arms. He was cold, so cold, but she could feel the life in him.

"Squall." She whispered as she ran her fingers through his hair. Suddenly afraid, she hesitated.

In that hesitation the darkness within her rose as she couldn't think of what to do. How do I save him? Tears threatened to build in her eyes as she lost her calm.

Grasping his unconscious form she buried her face in his shoulder and let her feelings flow.

The feel of her power flowing through her forced her to lift her head and she was shocked to find millions of pale pink petals dancing the wind around them.

Turning back to Squall, her eyes misted over as he stirred. Their eyes met a smile broke across her features.

"I have saved you." She whispered.

Rinoa touched his hair gingerly and he rolled over to face her.

"Your eyes are so beautiful in the morning light." He murmured. Rinoa blushed and smiled at him, her distraught feelings disappearing. She laughed and kissed him softly.

"I love you Squall." She murmured as she snuggled against him. His lips brushed her forehead.

"Enough to remember me?" He asked softly. Rinoa looked at him.

"I will never need to remember for you are a part of me always. I shall miss you are not about, but never will I forget you." She whispered, her voice barely audible.

"A part of you." Squall mused softly/ Rinoa nodded, her brown eyes serious.

"We've been one and I am to be your wife." She hesitated. "A part of you... No a part of us grows inside my womb as we speak."

Squall looked at her, his face blank for a split second before unguarded joy flooded his features.

"A baby?" He said incredously.

"Yes. A part of you, you are immortalised, you will always be remembered through your child and their children." She whispered. "You never need to fear being forgotten."

"You have saved me." He whispered stroking her hair gently.

_When my time comes _

_Forget the wrong that I've done _

_Help me leave behind some _

_Reasons to be missed _

_Don't resent me _

_And when you're feeling empty _

_Keep me in your memory _

_Leave out all the rest _

_Leave out all the rest _

Squall got out of bed and smiled. He was happy for the first time since he could remember. He no longer bore the burden of solitude. Turning to face his sleeping lover, he softened at the sight of her sprawled across the bed. Her long raven locks mussed around her delicate face. He reached over and ran a gentle hand over them. 

After a moment's hesitation he rested his hand on her belly. Physically there was nothing to be felt, but emotionally he felt a million different emotions. Some of them new to him thanks to years of him sealing his emotions off.

Picking up a photo frame he looked at the picture closely. It was a photograph of him and Rinoa, surrounding them was Irvine, Zell, Selphie and Quistis. It was taken after the Time Compression. The haunted look on his face reminded him of his nightmares. Pushing them from his mind he realised just how unimportant they were now. That was the past and all though it was the past that defined him, he didn't need to linger on it. Instead he should linger on memories like Rinoa and his first dance. Their first kiss under the stars, oh how romantic it had been. He could still remember the softness of her lips and the love he felt coursing through his veins. Looking at the photo he smiled at his former self.

"I can't be who you are anymore."

_Forgetting all the hurt inside you learned to hide so well _

_Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself _

_I can't be who you are_


End file.
